Yous' A Liar: One Girl's Account of the Dreaded Situationship
I've been writing this post for a good year - gross exaggeration but you get it. I had this entire piece about my love for unrealistic rom-coms and how they essentially fucked me over because I thought my love life should resemble them. My rom-com angle, while I still believe they did screw me, wasn't working. I would literally open my laptop and no words would come. It was like subconsciously I knew I could be more honest. It wasn't that I wasn't writing how I felt. I just spent so much time writing about the films as opposed to what I was actually going through.
Let me start off by saying that I don’t mean to come off like Awkward Black Girl’s protagonist, J going ‘awf’ in her notebook but I probably will because Lemonade is playing while I write this and Sherri is hyping me like CeCe.
I have so many stories of failed attempts at finding love/relationships that a friend once suggested I make a separate blog dedicated to them but I'll tell you all about the most recent and probably the most damaging and hurtful. I've known this guy, let's call him Sean, since I was 18. He tried to talk to me on multiple occasions but it always fell through. We dropped it for a while but we always remained cool. After college he tried to talk to me again, offered to fly me out to see him, told me he was ready for a serious relationship. Of course that didn’t work out- a huge part of me wasn't even ready. Fast-forward to a year later, we reconnected, and through our many conversations, I was starting to remember why the younger version of myself liked him, but he had a girlfriend and was also a million miles away. I love Xscape to death, but "My Little Secret" isn't exactly my thing (I still bump though). Even though he had expressed his lingering feelings, I left it alone because I wanted to respect his relationship and I also didn't want him to be alone in a place where he didn't really have anyone.
Soon after, they broke up and I texted him with some version of “I'm sorry” but I was definitely like yasss in my head. I honestly can't remember when we started our yearlong, long distance "talking". I can tell you there was a lot of on and off, a lot of “I have to focus on myself” (which you can never really argue against because who wants to be the reason a person doesn't achieve some kind of growth or success). Every time we were off I would bawl my eyes out and when we were back on I would let everything go because it was the past. If you aren't rolling your eyes right about now, I'm judging you.
At this point I was really struggling because I run a blog dedicated to self-care and I wasn't taking care of myself. How can I tell my readers to put themselves first and how to reduce stress if I'm doing the complete opposite? Getting back to the story- Sean moved from where he was, to stay with family in another state that was much closer to me. I was excited AF. The shit I was being told had me on 10; dude even visited me on my birthday. Of course that visit went south, and of course we continued to speak. A few months after my birthday, he moved even closer. I even helped him look for places and furniture (I’m a bomb ass interior designer). Things seemed to being going okay until they weren’t. I was hit with the “I don’t know what you thought this was” BS.
If it seems like I’m skipping a lot of details, it’s because I am. I guess there really isn’t much to tell. To sum it all up, our relationship or lack thereof was a series of ons and offs. It was me getting over each time we stopped speaking because I loved him that much (I don’t think I was in love just yet). It was me pretending that everything would be okay and we’d make it work. It was me pretending he meant it when he said he loved me. It was me actually thinking about [eventually] moving because he didn’t think the city was a good place to raise a family, he low-key hates NYC. It was me doing whatever I could because his well-being was important to me. It still is.
I’ve been in relationships where I was very selfish. I didn’t even try to compromise. I’d get so upset when things didn’t go my way; I was a princess. I try not to harp on failed relationships but take them as lessons. Those relationships taught me that everything shouldn’t be about me. But, I also think they made me give too much of myself to Sean. They made me want to be a better friend, partner and all around person so much so that I was willing to give up the best parts of myself to someone who didn’t really appreciate it, and maybe he didn’t know how to.
As I’ve mentioned before self-care/self-love is really important to me, and though the Sean situation didn’t break me, it did fuck me up TEMPORARILY. There were times when I spent the entire day at home laying in darkness, times when I just wanted to watch Netflix, times when the only text I bothered to answer was Sherri’s “are you alive” text. It’s safe to say self-care completely went out the window.
Looking back, I sometimes can’t believe I would even waste my time feeling sad, but I think that’s what relationships/situationships do to us. We’re thrown into a whirlwind of emotions that we try to escape but we can’t. I couldn’t help the happiness I felt when he kissed my forehead, when held my hand while we shopped and when he called me babe. I couldn’t help the sadness I felt when I saw him once the weekend of my birthday, when the majority my efforts to see him after he moved closer fell through and when I finally realized we weren’t going to move out the city and have the cutest children.
Though the outcome of this situationship isn’t what I’d hoped for, I definitely learned a lot. I learned that being emotional isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I don’t think hiding from your emotions is wise. I think we should feel whatever we’re feeling and then move on. Don’t cover up hurt because it will eventually come out. There were so many times I acted like I was actually over everything when I knew I wasn’t. I couldn’t even write about it in my own journal, much less publish it for everyone to see. I’ve also learned that a little bit of selfishness is okay. I was so worried about screwing up what we BARELY had that I didn’t think about how I was actually hurting myself by trying to hold on.
When I decided to take on this piece, I was going to write about an entirely different experience altogether- remember, I have so many stories; I could start another blog about them. I didn’t even think there would be another story to tell, and I think that’s the main thing anyone reading should take from this. We can’t predict the future. We have to take things as they come, including relationships. We have to fully experience the good and the bad. We have to feel what we feel in that moment, learn what we need to learn, pull ourselves together, and move on when we’re ready.
I was inspired to write this not so private journal entry after watching the web-series Situationships, created by Cylla Senii. Situationships depicts a group of millennials navigating their way through the many pitfalls of dating. I hadn't watched something so relatable in a long time. It was refreshing to see all the parts they leave out of those unrealistic rom-coms we all love to watch.
Check out season one, now on Blavity; you won't be disappointed.
Season two coming soon!
Instagram | Twitter: @SituationshipNY